What I Wish I’d Known about Domestic Adoption
It has taken me a long time to be able to share this post.
I wanted to be able to write from a place of wanting to help and encourage others – and not from a place of pain.
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In the summer of 2023, I shared the following post: She Chose Us – One Last Update for Now, explaining how we had seemingly come to the end of our adoption journey.
The months that followed included a whole lot of letting go – letting go of the plans we thought God had for our family and letting go of the physical items we had gathered in preparation for our family to grow.
It was a really painful time that included a lot of sadness and frustration.
Yes, we continued to feel relief that God had delivered us from what was seemingly a nightmare situation – but it was still a sad time. In fact, I think I cried almost the entire the summer.
Fast-forward to now…and we feel like we’ve come to a place of accepting that we may never know why things went the way they did…or what exactly the purpose in our multi-year adoption journey was…but we can be grateful for God’s provision along the way and the protection we believe He ultimately provided us.
As the final expiration date on our most recent home study drew closer, we decided to fill our calendar with some fun family travel. We wanted to Choose Joy, and to be honest, I also felt like I needed to distract myself. It worked! The expiration date came and went, and I was too busy (at Disney World – ha!) to dwell on it all that much. This may seem silly to you, but for me, it was a huge step in the healing process, and I am still so grateful.
As we explained to our on-line community, we have not continued to share how-to information about domestic adoption. There are so many wonderful families who are doing that well, and we decided to no longer be a space for sharing on the topic – but we have wanted to describe a couple of things we wish we had known before we started the process.
(We do still recommended these two incredible books about adoption!)
We do not write about these things in an effort to discourage anyone from what they feel God has called their family to do. In fact, we can wholeheartedly say that had we known these things, we would have still given our YES and moved ahead in the adoption process.
A Few Things I Wish I’d Known about Domestic Adoption
The First Thing…
While this is oftentimes negatively referred to as a savior-complex, there is a certain level of wanting to help that is true about families like ours who are seeking to adopt. However, in the world of infant/toddler adoption, there is simply not this need. This may be hard to hear – trust me, it took us months and months to wrap our mind around this as well.
Maybe you have been in situations where well-meaning individuals confront you with motivating challenges, maybe even Scripture verses like this one from Matthew, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.” to get you to sign up for their adoption program.
Sure, there are certain numbers they would like to meet for their own purposes – numbers they are most likely not going to fully disclose – but it is important to understand that you are signing up to stand in mile-long lines of others who are also waiting to help.
God may have called you to stand in that line. We believe He invited us…even though our story did not end with a baby/toddler (or two!) being placed in our arms as we had hoped. Maybe yours will – if that’s what He has for you – just know that there are countless others signing up as well.
Some would argue that there is more of a need in the world of international adoption or even in the realm of foster care. We are not able to speak to those things but would encourage anyone to walk confidently toward what they believe God has stirred in them them to pursue.
The Second Thing…
Many domestic adoption programs are focused on providing the placement of newborns to individuals and couples who are not biologically or naturally able to have children. This post is not intended to be a place to discuss those different situations.
I just wish we had better understood that not everyone is coming at this from similar perspectives…with the same ideas/goals in mind.
The Third Thing…
Over the years, adoption groups/agencies have begun to recognize the importance of honoring the birth family, respecting their role in the child’s past, present, and [hopefully] future, providing support for them, etc.
Throughout our time as a hopeful adoptive family, this was so important to us – we were not simply seeking to adopt a child but we were hoping to be able to love and nurture a relationship with their first family as well.
However, from our perspective as a possible adoptive family, it felt like the agencies had become so birth-family focused that the needs of the hopeful adoptive families are not being met.
We experienced having our legitimate concerns be ignored and witnessed other families be taken advantage of in their time of desperation. Yes, there are consulting groups that claim to be mediators in a sense, but they are seeking to maintain their status with the different adoption agencies…see how this can get messy?
And Lastly…
Along the way you may uncover dishonesty and unethical practices – yes, even among those you had worked so hard to vet. If you’re in the process long enough, you may begin to realize things aren’t adding up…the information simply doesn’t make sense…you didn’t get the whole story. You may begin to realize that doing your own due diligence is even more important than you initially realized.
Even now after much time has passed, we do not plan to disclose any names of the people, groups, agencies, etc. we worked with over the course of the years we spent in the adoption process. We do not feel in any way compelled to use our energies in that way.
In fact, we have been asked to be a part of some research work/documentaries that are being put together by others who experienced some of the same things we did, but we have declined.
Instead, we have chosen to use our passion for pro-life causes close to us, including supporting adoptive families and foster families in our community.
God is in control!
As I said, had we known these things, we believe we still would have pursued adoption – and in spite of all of these things, we believe that if God had wanted to place a child in our home via the route we were on, He would’ve done it. Just like he did for friends of ours who were in the same world we were in at the time – some of whom we are still friends with today. It’s amazing how a process like this can form and bond friendships for life!
We trusted Him throughout the process…We trusted Him during the summer of questions and tears…and we will continue to trust Him.
After three home studies (Yes, one is a ton of work – and we did it three times!), we decided to no longer continue with the pursuit.
If someone came to us with a situation of a child or children in need of placement, we would definitely pray about saying YES! – but we doubt we will ever step back on the roller coaster we were on a few years ago.
In the adoption world, there is a huge focus placed on using the correct terminology/phrasing for everything – and I felt that pressure as I wrote this post…
…and while I’m sure I didn’t say everything perfectly, I really did try to be considerate and thoughtful as I shared our experience.
Thank you for loving our family – many of you for years now!
